No Need to Turn Back Time

Have faith in God's time. Even as days pass and things happen God is still God and he sits on the throne!

“Time”©

As I blow out the candle to my youth…I wonder where it all went??

Where are the dreams, the goals, the accomplishments that I knew would never elude me?

What happened?

Oh I see….What had happened was me!

I dropped the ball and took time for granted.

Kronos time…chronological time…the ticking clock…the passing days on the calendar

I thought it would pass slowly, but as I look up from what has become my life, it all went in a flash.

Far gone are the days that I dreamed of a husband. A God’s man that would be there to cover me. The one who despite me would love me the way Christ loved the church. The one whom could call me his help meet…his good thing! The one that would play giver to my taker and plant seed in me. Seed that would spring forth as babes, and grow into trees planted by rivers of living water whom wouldn’t wither, but bring forth fruit in their due season. Kingdom citizens!

Dead are the thoughts that my tests would become testimonies…and my trials, triumphs. Unreplaced they have been deemed the summation of my existence! Was I purposed for pain I sometimes wonder. Its seems to be “just my luck” or “the story of my life”…that I would go through a drought, then a storm, then a flood. I often look to the hills from whence my help should come….but my gaze shoots upward and the hill seems more a mountain that no matter how loud I command it to move, it remains… trapping me in a valley time. O how I long the mountain top, but I’m so weary.

There was once a time…way back when….when I believed in a call over my life. I just knew that God himself had handpicked me for such a special purpose… to do things that only I could do. But I feel no worth to walk in that vocation. I have lost faith in the effectiveness of what ministry I do have. Was that a delusion? Had I only imagined that I could be so valuable? Me, the black sheep, the molested one, the divorced one, the struggling single mom! The misunderstood one, the forgotten one, the invisible one? The used one, the trashed one? The lonely one?

They say that time heals all wounds, but as I flip through the museum of me, I still hurt! The passing of time has only won me very small battle after battle and happy times are few and far in between. My joy is an inconsistent joy and I pray to be able to mean “this joy that I have, the world didn’t give it and the world can’t take it away.” I reach to grab hold to the peace that surpasses earthly understanding, but my hands are too weak to hold on to something so powerful.

And these shortcomings are of my own making. I stood still to see the salvation of my God, only to fold and say “maybe next time.”

Then I tried to dress in the armor of righteousness and stood…..and stood therefore….not realizing that I had left a chink in my shield and sin crept in.. And again I thought… “Next time”

So I allowed myself to be dependent on the name of the Lord, the strong tower that I can run to and be saved. I dwelled in the secret place of the most, and abided in his shadow, but was drawn outside by the mirage of a beautiful world that turned to be a dry wilderness and cried to myself “for real…next time”

Next time…next time…next time leads to now.

What do I have to show for all the ticks that have tocked?

A string of hurts, pains, failings, and broken promises to the only one who will keep taking me back. I thank God that he is merciful.

I’m thankful that he is mighty to save and that I am his beloved.

I thank him that he is forgiving and pray that this next time will be “the” time!

And as I ponder on that prayer…he comes to me and reminds me that many are the afflictions……

I dare not call myself righteous, but I strive to be….and that makes the difference.

And with that bit of loving encouragement I feel a renewing in my spirit.

That sorry “next time” is now a fervent “this time!” with the understanding that it may not be the last time.

And with my lips pursed to blow the candle I think not in kronos time…but I have faith in kairos time….. God’s time.

I don’t see myself as spent.

But there is renewed hope in what God has yet to do.

As the flame goes out and the smoke rises, it’s a signal to me and the heavens of my now!

Here I go……..Again!